Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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