i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
