A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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