lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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