i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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