got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Actions speak louder than pants.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize