There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
