this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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