the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
