I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
