You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
How's work?
Spinning.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
