Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize