Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
