why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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