I just pynch a tree in the face
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
