the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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