Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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