Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
