The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
