why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize