The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
They have beer where we have blood.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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