Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
