Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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