Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Randomize
