nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Randomize
