Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
