Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
