hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
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