I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The Olympian is in my bed
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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