Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The air was thick with penises
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
