The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Randomize
