That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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