I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
