omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
