I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
