Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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