By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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