Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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