I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
