Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
