i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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