All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
