miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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