R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Is it because I queefed?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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