Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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