Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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