I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
