I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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