I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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