i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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