Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I need to stop coming to work sober
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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