Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
