I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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