just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
