I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
