me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
