Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
