One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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