mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
