I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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