Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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