When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
